Short on time?
Pirates 3: It's rubbish. Don't bother.
The longer review:
The final instalment (god's let's hope so, at least) of the Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy [Blu-ray]
series is not worth it's weight in sea salt. You probably will see if for the same reason that I did. The second movie doesn't have an ending, so I wanted to see the last one for an ending, for closure. My expectations for this movie were actually pretty high. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting anything deep or particularly interesting, but all of the first movie and parts of the second were fun. All I would have needed to give Pirates 3 a good review was some more fun scenes, an ending, Kiera and Orlando to look hot and Johnny to be good and weird. No dice.
The ending is weak, and a bit confusing and disappointing in the X-Files, 11th season kind of way. After waiting thru all of Pirates 2 expecting an end and not getting one, you have to wait nearly 3 hours for the ending of 3. A movie better be pretty interesting to hold my attention that long. It's a wonder I hold a day job, really. Random details in the movie made it come up empty. The Craken turns up randomly dead on an island. The Jamaican-sounding witch lady turns out to be Calypso (in mythology, Calypso is a sea nymph) in a underdeveloped plot line that ends in her growing ginormous with terrible effects and lots of cheese. The plot line of the evil East Indian Trading company is also underdeveloped. That's a lot of underdevelopment for three hours.
The ending was the weakest part of the movie. Again, don't read on if you want to see it. Jack Sparrow stands for an awkwardly long time holding a broken sword and the heard of Davy Jones. Finally, after the whole audience is making the "awkward hands" poor Orlando gets stabbed, so Sparrow uses the sword and Orlando's hand to stab the heart, killing Davy Jones but forcing Orlando to 10 years serving in Jones' place on the ship. What an asshole. Sparrow had ample opportunity to stab it himself, but instead he forces the newly-wed Orlando to give up 10 of his most fertile years instead. At that point, Jack's saving Orlando from dying, since he's been stabbed, but if Jack hadn't stood like a moron in the first place, it wouldn't have been a problem. Besides, Jack Sparrow could be a good captain of Davy Jones ship for 10 years, but Orlando? I thought he shone the most as Eric Bana's weakling little brother in Troy. He was pretty, but he could barely hold a sword, and that's much more what I see. Instead, the movie ends with Orlando leaving for his 10 year service (at least his Dad is along for the ride), and Johnny rows off into the sunset in a rowboat. I'm sure they explained why, but I think I was asleep.
There are a couple of cute or funny moments, but really just a couple, in 3 hours.
I give it a 1.5 stars out of 5.
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